Depression in Sobriety
I
love to talk about depression because the solution(s), for me, have been nothing
short of miraculous. During my
research I found that there are many types of depression and sometimes they
overlap making them difficult to label. I
am only an expert on one type of depression, mine.
Therefore I will only attempt to discuss what I know about “my
depression”.
Looking
back to my childhood, I know I felt the effects of depression long before I took
my first drink. I felt hopeless,
tired and alone as early as nine years old and possibly before that.
When
I discovered alcohol at age 14 I thought I had discovered the meaning of life.
For the first time I felt like I thought I was supposed to.
I had hope, I had fun, I was not afraid, I felt a part of the world, I
felt equal to my peers; I felt “normal”, whatever that was.
From
that point on, life got simple in a twisted sort of way.
I was either sober and miserable, or under the influence of drugs and
alcohol and happy. Though there was
a lot of inconsistency under the influence, it was far better than what I had
experienced without it.
Though
creating many common difficulties throughout my drinking career like unhealthy
relationships, divorce, debt and trouble with the law, I drank successfully for
27 years. And like most of us, the
troubles got more severe as the disease progressed. In 1988 I stopped drinking and using. I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and knew
immediately that this was my road home. I
found others who discussed their problems openly, the same problems I had been
experiencing all my life.
For
6 years I attempted to work the steps and go to meetings.
I saw others around me grow spiritually and become happy, joyous and free
while I became more and more depressed just like I was before my first
experience with alcohol. During
certain intervals I was able to experience some relief as I completed some of my
step work but it was always brief and I would inevitably return to that feeling
of hopelessness that was so familiar to me.
It
was my experience that whenever the subject of depression came up in
conversation with others in the program it was met with skepticism and/or
cynicism and I learned that it was not safe to discuss.
I was told by others that they, too, had been depressed and if I would
follow through with the steps as they had done, the depression would leave and
I, like them, would enjoy all the promises described in the book.
On some level, for me, I knew different.
There was something in my way. I
simply did not have the willingness, the motivation, the hope, the whatever, to
do all the things I needed to do to accomplish these things that everyone talked
about that were to make these psychic changes possible for me.
Finally
I met a man I felt safe enough with, to once again venture into that forbidden
conversation about depression. Almost
immediately he pointed out that the Big Book reminds us that “we have no
opinion on outside issues” and that possibly I might consider consulting a
qualified physician. Finally I felt
heard. I had felt like some sort of
freak for years in Alcoholics Anonymous; different, maybe even a little crazy.
From that brief conversation I felt enough hope to seek help from a
psychiatrist.
The
rest of the story is short and very sweet.
I did seek help. My doctor
prescribed an antidepressant medication and in a few weeks I felt a drastic
change. I felt alive, like I just
heard stereo for the first time, like everything was in color instead of black
and white. I heard the birds
singing, saw beautiful scenery, felt gratitude and hope.
For
a short time I felt so good that I questioned the 12 steps and the entire
program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I
felt cured from all my mental and emotional problems. Since the change was so drastic for me I suppose it was
natural to feel that way for awhile. When
the initial shock of this wonderful, new way of life wore off I discovered the
truth for me. I discovered that
this medication was not a “fix-all”. I
began to feel a bit depressed again. Not
like before though. This time it
was more like I imagine sober people feel like before they do the steps who do
not suffer from a chemical imbalance.
About
this time in my process, I began to hear people. Yes, I believe it’s that simple.
I began to hear my sponsor. I
began to be able to follow directions. I
began to work the steps, and they made sense to me.
I immediately started realizing the benefits and I believe that, today,
I’m a recovered alcoholic. I am very grateful.
Like
alcoholism, depression is a very baffling disease. It’s very confusing and very frustrating.
For people who do not suffer from a chemical imbalance this story may not
make any sense whatsoever. It is so
baffling and frustrating that I, myself, “the expert” have become frustrated
and impatient with others who suffer from this disease.
Talking to people with depression, “real, chemical depression” is
often like talking to the wall. When
we are feeling the effects of depression, “we can’t hear you”!
That’s why it’s not uncommon for depressives to end up dead before
they drink.
I
am eternally grateful to others in this program who are not short sighted.
Friends who support me in my use of medication.
People who know the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and can accurately
interpret the phrase, “we have no opinion on outside issues”.
DEPRESSION – Doug’s Story
My
name is Doug and I’m an alcoholic and a manic-depressive (hypomanic).
One year ago I would not have admitted this.
I thought I was just a nice guy who liked to drink a lot because I worked
too much, and had a ton of bad luck. A
year ago I was also in an intense rage, involved in 4 lawsuits, near bankruptcy,
and working 80 hr weeks. Last June
I was hopeless, living on a construction site and crapping in a bucket, when I
walked through the doors of AA.
AA
taught me a way to sort out this feeling. AA's
spirituality taught me to forgive others for their part in this mess, and focus
on what I had done to create my misery. Hadn't
I been selfish (vs. open minded)? Hadn't
I been resentful (vs. forgiving)? Hadn't
I been fearful (vs. hopeful)? Wasn't
I responsible for my financial mess? And hadn't I in turn caused misery with my
sexual exploits and harms done to others? Take
all these traits, put them in a blender and you have Doug's brains when I walked
through the doors of AA. The Big
Book told me that to clear my head, I needed to clear my conscious, and amend
for my sick and twisted traits. I
was pretty down after listing my moral inventory (4th step), and during
confession (5th step) my sponsor cheered me up by also pointing out all the good
things I had done. I didn't have to
be rid of all my personality to be forgiven, just the traits that kept me from
being useful to others. Again I
returned to my driven 80 hr weeks to fix the dump I was living in.
But this time, I also applied that same zeal in working The Steps to
clear my conscious. I lost 5 lbs.
and didn't sleep much, but wasn't concerned because I was in a 'brainstorm.'
My
fire began to diminish in the fall. My
work lost its flow, a co-worker threw me in a fit of rage, and I got 'grouchy.'
Further, my amends weren't working.
People whom I had harmed weren't completely buying into the fact I was an
alcoholic. At Christmas my Mother
even suggested I go to a liquor store "to get cigarettes!"
I fought the stress for 2 1/2 months.
Every week I attended meetings & spoke, called 7-10 AA'ers, and made
at least 2 amends. I also did a lot of service (12 step) work, had a suffering
alcoholic live with me for a week, a recovered alcoholic work with me for a
month, and helped put on a couple of benefit dinners for the homeless.
I was praying night and day to no avail.
The Seattle rain kept driving down, and taking my spirits with it.
Soon I'd fired all my employee's, quit taking work, couldn't sleep at
night, and was down to one meal a day. I
was totally insane - just like last year - but sober.
Finally I said screw misery and drank a six pack.
I called my sponsor and 2 respected elders from AA to tell them I was
drinking and going on vacation. I
also made an important thank-you amend with my ex-fiancée.
I
believe a 'Higher Power' was revealed to me while on vacation.
I was hanging with an old drinking buddy, went through a fifth of J.D. on
my own in 3 hrs., and then hit the bars. The
allergy was back, but the insanity was gone.
I awoke the next morning to a bright sunny day instead of a hang-over. I called the girl I met the previous night (Leah) to
apologize for my drunken antics, and she forgave me as well as agreeing to go to
dinner with me that night. Life was
right, I was riding in God's pocket, and I took-off snow-shoeing for the rest of
the day. Through seemingly no
effort on my own, I was forgiven, and 'the grouch and the brainstorm' were gone.
Dinner was wonderful. Leah
said I couldn't talk coherently last night, but she did understand my lamenting
about there being 'no passion in life.' Much
to her surprise, she felt naturally compelled to share with me (a virtual
stranger) her personal experiences as a clinically diagnosed depressive, and was
full of disbelief that I considered myself an alcoholic not a depressive. She didn't believe me until I showed her my AA 3rd & 7th
Step prayer card.
I
came back from vacation, dismissed the events with Leah as the result of making
my amends with my ex-fiancée, and began re-working The Steps.
Soon my insanity returned in the Seattle rains.
I wasn't sleeping, eating or working, and desperately needed a drink. I drank another 6 pack with a clinically diagnosed
manic-depressive friend. It had no
effect on me, my insanity was there whether I was drinking or working The Steps.
An AA brother tackled me in the parking lot before a meeting, and said he
had to walk out of our meeting the prior week, because he resented my casual
attitude towards drinking and it almost drove him into a relapse.
I had to admit I was powerless over
my insanity and it was affecting my friends –
Step
1:
The solution
didn't stop there.
Step 2: I came to
believe I was miserable and would go to any ends to be happier.
Step 3:
Trusted a Doc would know more about this stuff than I did.
Step 4:
Dated my moral inventory and found a seasonal pattern that existed since
I was 17.
Step 5:
Gave this inventory to my Doc, and she called me a 'hypomanic.'
Steps 6 & 7:
Read her basic text (see below) & am taking my medication as
directed.
Steps 8 & 9:
More fully understand my manic nature and am redoing my amends.
Step 10:
Am consulting with others before I take action, to make sure I'm not in a
manic zeal.
Step 11:
Am seeking through a balanced diet, sleep, and exercise to naturally
reduce my stress.
Step 12:
Am humbly telling you my story and left copies of the alcohol chapters of
the Goodwin & Jamison's text Manic
- Depressive Illness,
in hopes it will help your understanding of the disease concept of Alcoholism.
I
now know how Bill W. felt when he stumbled across The Steps as a path out of
alcoholism. Luckily, I don't have
to write a Big Book on Manic Depression, as it's already been done by 2 more
qualified individuals (Goodwin & Jamison), and painstakingly reviews the
studies of the last 60 years. Some
of the more important facts are as follows:
A.
The vast majority of people living with Manic-Depressive Illness (MDI) are not
hospitalized, and lead relatively productive, but unhappy lives.
B.
About half of all alcoholics who begin their drinking troubles before the age of
25 (Type II alcoholics) have this disease, especially males.
C.
Many Type II alcoholics have either alcoholism or MDI in their family
history, but current research hasn’t found the genetic link yet.
D.
Although remarkably similar, the 2 diseases are different. Medication
won't cure alcoholism, and
abstinence won't prevent MDI.
E.
Dual treatment is the best cure, but if only one can be handled at a
time, then alcoholism should be considered as the primary disease.
F.
The best thing AA can do for MDI's who are in their midst, is encourage
them to seek professional help and take their medications.
G.
Bill W was a Manic-Depressive Alcoholic.
Since
I have pursued both AA and professional help, my life no longer seems a series
of unrelated events. Today, the urge to drink is lifted, I'm eating, sleeping, and
working again-happily! I have come
to realize that either alcohol or MDI has been at the core of my problems, not
others. And most importantly, tense relations with family and friends are being
resolved. Great Stuff for a drunken
maniac like me! (note: My next
lecture will be on horse rolfing!)
DEPRESSION -
Geoff’s Story
My
experience with depression really started in the last several years of my
drinking. It began innocently
enough, with periods of listlessness, downcast perspective, and a gradual moving
away from the flow of life. As my
drinking became more and more urgent, the dark hole of nothingness became more
and more seductive. Ultimately, I
was labeled as a 'chronic depressive'. I
was unable to eat or sleep regularly. I
was prone to extended bouts of crying and whimpering.
Finally, I ended up in the fetal position, unable to fend for myself.
Since, at the time, I did not know that my depression was inextricably
linked to my alcoholism, I tried everything I could think of to fix the problem.
Here
are a few of the desperate things that I tried: Going to psychologists and
counselors, going to neurologists, going to heart specialists, taking pictures
and samples of my brain, taking prescribed anti-depressant and anti-seizure
medications, cutting back on my drinking, working less, working more, etc. etc.
When I finally arrived in AA, I was physically beaten by the long-term
effect of alcohol and emotionally destroyed by the effects of depression.
I was still taking medication.
One
day, at about 9 months sober and still consciously distant from the
"unsuspected inner resource", I was given the idea, seemingly from
nowhere, to throw the anti-depressant pills down the toilet.
For some inexplicable reason, I trusted this inner voice and did so.
Much to my relief and to my surprise, I did not fall back down the black
hole. This was one of the vital
surrenders that helped propel me toward establishing a relationship with a power
greater than myself. At the time, I
had not surrendered to the process of the Steps, so I was still full of fear,
particularly of depression. The
difference was, I could physically function enough to take care of myself.
At
a year and a half sober, I began my first amazing journey through the Steps.
As I began to experience the spiritual awakenings as a direct result of Doing and re-Doing the steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous, the manifestations of my depression began to leave me.
My depression was an integral component of my untreated alcoholism.
As my alcoholism received the treatment of the Steps, my depression was
receiving treatment as well.
Today,
I experience muted and dulled days once in a great while. By
letting go of the old action of resisting the feeling with fear, I simply
welcome the 'depressed' energy as
part of the process. Since there is
less fear of the re-occurrence of depression, there is less attachment to the
occasional ennui of a low energy day. Without
the attachment, the mild sense of 'something's wrong' is changed to 'something
just is'. Without the judgment, the
feeling passes out of my consciousness rather quickly.
By daring to trust this new gift of power, I have become an active
creator of my own experience! As
a result, my depression [as well as my alcoholism] is no longer an object of
suffering.
We
have, through our experience, become painfully aware of a growing danger in the
fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that relates to the treatment of depression,
manias, and other psychological conditions.
We are NOT doctors. All
conditions that may block the pathway through the steps cannot be treated the
same. It is important to remember
NOT to project our own personal experience onto the experience of others.
Our job is simply to demonstrate the solutions that have worked for us.
What will work for one person may not necessarily work for another.
The reason is simple: Our conditions may have, at their root, different
causes.
We
have met many people who have suffered through severe emotional trauma stemming
from a variety of experiences; such as rape, homelessness and hunger, sudden
death of a loved one, incest, physical abuse, prison terms, etc.
These experiences, in many cases, have left scars so deeply imprinted as
to impede the recovery process. To
suggest that we have all the answers is to fall prey to the dangerous ground of
spiritual arrogance. Our
responsibility is to provide a safe place where people can be free to explore
their own healing practices in concert with the powerful forces of AA's
spiritual principles.
Trust The Process !!!!
